Hello there...please rip this one up. It needs it desperately.
S.S. Rose
Winter is a Live Mind
Church-bells ring thoughtlessly:
A menial dirge for a useless poet,
A gray prayer to the slate-eyed winter.
The ache of nothingness
Stuffs my ears and the silence
Hums like mother in the kitchen
Kneading wrinkles and brine into dough.
Barren blackbirds pock
The face of the dawn, flushed like
The cheeks of a waking child.
And like a child I weep indignation
And play the piano too old
To remember its very first song.
I’m feeding my notes to its tune.
Even as hot coffee
Scolds my selfish tongue,
The morning stains the wet snow blue
And the stars fade like teardrops on paper.
The words are ragged wings spotting
A white January sky, scratched out
By the nibs of bare branches.
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,487 Reviews
Don't know what to make of this one. I'm sensing mental anguish here. Like something feels wrong and you're not quite sure what it is. For the lack of information, the imagery in this is very fitting. Almost like an Edgar Allen Poe poem.
I really liked this. All of your descriptions were fantastic, though a few times I was left with the sense that you only included them because they were pretty. I especially loved the line about the wrinkles and the dough.
Truly, the only line that bothered me was the very first. Why is the ringing thoughtless? Are the bells that disturbing? Just curious. One other thing that irritated me (slightly) was the last line. Using "bare" to describe branches is, to be frank, as cliche as can be. Of course they're bare in winter! Everything else was so imaginative, and I think you need to fix this flat note. Besides those two things, I'm really quite a satisfied reader.
That bit about the coffee scolding the tongue– I think you were going for wordplay. Scalding, right? It was an unexpected and absolutely perfect analogy.
Very, very well done. Certainly a like it/thumb's up. See you around
–antimelrose
Hey there Rose!
Punctuation
Okay, the prior thing I notice when I read this is that there's only really full stops, so I think there's a small lack of rhythm there and the pace is a bit of a build up because of it. I think you should vary it more by introducing midline commas or endline semi colons. This should give some originality to the fluency and rhythm.
Language
Okay, i think this is beautifully crafted and selected, so well done. This line really captivated my interest:
This is one of my favourite things about reading your poetry and poetry in general. These vivid-packed images that still adress a strong implicity for the reader to decipher an individual meaning from your portrayed effect. It's just unwordable to say how pleased I am when i come across poetry like that. - fabulous.
You see, unlike Classy, I liked the line "the ache of nothingness", this might be because I'm a sucker for mystery.. I don't know. Perhaps from this response I see an improvement as structuring the language better so it is more widely appreciated? Just a suggestion.
Overall
A good read and the only real thing I noticed is punctuation,
Keep it up!
Ben
Hey. So, I basically think everyone's covered it, but I did like this. Some lines just didn't fit. The ones they mentioned up there especially ^^. Tears on a paper I didn't understand at all, however. Really.
But, this was nice, I did like it.
Keep it up,
Mizz
Oh to color! I'm sorry I didn't get that. Thanks for clearning it up for me.
Hello everyone, and thanks for the reviews.
First off, the "tears on paper" image is supposed to convey tears (as in moisture; weeping) being absorbed by paper as one bends over the sheet.
These lines were a bit confusing, I'm sorry. What I was trying to say was that the "white January sky" was like a piece of white paper, and the black-winged birds were like words "scratched out" by the branches, which I likened to pen nibs, or tips.
"Slate" here was in reference to a color, not actual slate. The sky was gray, to put it into simpler terms.
Classy, I really value your advice. I'll try to end the poem better, and scratch the word "nothingness"
Many thanks to you both,
S.S. Rose
Hiya! Classy here, let us begin.
So I don't really get what the slate is supposed to mean here. I even looked the word up in the dictionary and I cannot find a proper meaning that would tie this line together.
I am sorry, but I hate this line. It sounds so childish; 'nothingness' pshh. I bet you could come up with a more romantic word!
This is the end? What? You didn't resolve anything, conclude on what you were saying, or summarized the poem. You just ended it with a line that should be in the middle of the poem. I would suggest writing a good concluding line so that readers will feel like the poem is over!
Overall
Sorry for the harsh critiques! I actually really liked this. I liked how you made it different by the subtle references to religion. Well done!
Classy
Hello Rose,
That was a very nice piece, and I can relate to it, at least to some extent.
Now,criticism:
1) Try not to disturb the pictures and feelings you convey to the readers
Example:
2)
I can't see a clear picture, nor do I truly understand what you mean by "like tears on paper".
3) You should try to keep one action or thought in one line, otherwise it seems a bit disrupted. Example:
Also, I don't have the slightest clue about the meaning of this sentence, it bamboozles me.
It is a nice poem and I would like to see more of your work,
sincerely, ab5986